IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE

IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE

            These days, I have been drawing myself closer to God. It feels like everything within me has changed about my views on religion. I am still learning, growing, maturing and all the processes in between. It feels very touching to see that some moments in life will bypass us somehow. Recently, I was very keen to attend a “Spiritual Building Camp” at Bukit Mertajam, Penang. I did not know the exact reason of my intention but I feel like part of me wants to grow in Christ, grow in love, grow in faith and grow to everyone. It really feels so nice when I realise the beauty that God has shown me.

            Do not misinterpret me, I still mess up, make mistakes and worn out myself at times. Sometimes, I end up being in the worst part of me. I had a sudden epiphany that God has been my strongest pillar of strength. At a time when I put God away from me, blaming him for all the uncertainties, I realise I was being an ignorant servant of his. I choose to spread negativity and bad vibes to people This kind of ignorance has led me to realise that I have to change myself time after time. It really has been a very challenging time for me. Life is short, if I continue to create issues over good news, problems over solutions, jealousy over support and hate over love, I will end up being the carestain with a horrible heart. These days, I have been very contented with my life. I have met some of the people whom I can call as my family. They look at me as a brother and actually talk to me like a senior. They would drag me to places and mural to take pictures and even make me feel like a young soul once again. They are really great souls and my love for them is endless.

            Although religion is as important to everyone regardless of its belief system, it is important for us to have a clear awareness of our intentions, relevance and ego. Thank you to people whom I have crossed path, you teach me to be stronger day by day. As much as it is important to pray, we also play a role in spreading the good vibes, positive energy and channel the beautiful lights around. Life is short, once we lose it, we cannot start over again.

WE ARE ONE, BUT MANY FROM ONE.

          Time passes by so fast, we did not realize so much have changed. One day, it seems like it was taking forever for time to come by. We thought, “It’s still a long way to go, relax awhile.” Then again, you woke up realizing that the day has arrived. The arrival not only brought a change in our lives, it makes us aware of the circumstances surrounding our lives. All these happen when we least expect it. Lately, we kept on wondering how much regret we had back then, the past mistakes and dreams we wanted to chase. Thinking back, had we never done it, we might be our biggest enemy.

          Life has been so unpredictable. One day, we are at the top of the world, finding success and sharing the fruits of it. The next day, we start forgetting about the good times and point fingers at bad aspects of others. It came across as if, we are the best of the best in this world. It does not go like that, in this context, of this universe. Sometimes, we choose to let it be. Sometimes, we overthink and further injure the pain. Maybe this is why we have negative, positive and neutral in the pH level when learning biology. Now, this is getting interesting when we relate this to science. Science has proven many interesting facts about lives. There was a study conducted that science is also part of the determinant of our future. Indeed, it is. Time, age and life. In mathematics, we learn that the unit of time is second. In physics, time is the basic units of the formula. Age is the determining number of our choice. At this age, we grow by numbers and in numbers we experience changes in our lives. We grow older and wiser, leaving other behind to university. Distance makes the heart fonder. The unit of distance is meter. See, the relations of science to our lives are the real definition of living proof. We never realize, but then it happened.

          The mind is a powerful tool. We use it for the decision we make today. We chose to create the emotions, feelings and instincts. It seems like we are ignorant of this elements of our lives but it is indeed true that we are living in a world where we least realize the incoming circumstances. The first you first, gotten close would not be the guaranteed best friend. The expectation says the possibility of a true friendship. The reality, it is the probability of the unexpected encounters. This is life, it matters to us. We lack the understanding, knowledge and quality of a powerful creator. God is there, watching what we do. We did not realize how this universe move, but it definitely reflects the colours of the Earth.

          We tend to see things differently, talk about it differently, simply because we are all different but in a similar form.

Insomnia and the 4AM Thoughts

It takes me a lot to think about, it takes places to imagine.

I don’t know what am I going to post, but as of the recent, I realize that I have learn a lot about myself, people, life and the roughness of it. While they may see me as someone naïve and innocent, there comes a time I can kick ass, push boundaries and create fireworks. Lately, I was trying my best to impress somebody but it turns out it was making me more and more intrigue to fall in love. Yes, it is creepy. Why can this happen to me? Maybe I am currently going through a phase of my own discovery and realize that I am happier than before. Especially when I start thinking about the people that I would like to stay in my life. I am not craving for attention to be spotted or the most noticeable among the batch mates. Naan, fcuk that. I’m honestly coming clean, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. Sometimes, I was wondering if I can be 100% goodie 2 shoes to everyone. It never works, because you will hurt yourself more and allow others to feel good all the time while you feel like rubbish in the green bin. Honestly, I would prefer being the recycled items in three separate colours of recycle bins.

Okay, back to the moment that I am dying to write.

Today I met **her at Esmail and I melted once again. I feel like fireworks were all over my head and that special effects from Snapchat was an indication of how I felt when I saw **her. Oh my goodness, I am so unaware of myself now and that I keep looking at **her all the time. Sometimes, I enjoy stalking **her on Facebook and then get melted after viewing the pictures. You that feeling when an ice cube is on a flat surfaced under hot temperature, then it melts into liquid. Yes, exactly I felt like that today. If this is continuously happening, I suppose it is time I burst into smaller chunks of Philips and find the emotions like the ones in “Inside Out”.

By the way, I don’t know why but I felt overshadowed by that one fella. I felt like when I lepak, borak or maybe in a gang, it feels like I became this moon that produces shadows at night. Yes, indeed it felt like I was emitting light rays to others without having the need to understand myself better. I suppose, university life is like that. It never goes on a good notes. All notes are there. So, I can only say is that I don’t want to bother, care or concern anymore. Yet again, it seems like it has become my role to be an individual like that. The question is, what about me? My self-worth, my goodness, my talents, my capabilities, my abilities and my professionalism. It seems like I have to learn to be the best among the best. If only, I am able to understand the meaning of this ever-changing journey that will keep coming my way.

These shadows come day and night,

Shining through many other paths,

Forgetting the meaning and beating the purposes,

The again, what is the motive of this writing?

P/S: Don’t worry. If you are reading this, know that I am writing this from the core of my heart and my disturb emotions that have left a dark spot in my soul. I am trying to relinquish this spot by expressing here because literature is an expression of art. Let me express it before I end up being a bulletproof material with a bullet of its own. Peace and keep loving yourself and of course, accept yourself. You are born this way. Love and No Hate. 

4.15AM

2 / 6 / 2016

DOUBTFUL THOUGHTS FROM THE HORNBILL BOY

DOUBTS

Each time, we feel like we have gathered a lot for ourselves. We try to be the best version of ourselves. We looked at the power beyond the lens and push the boundaries overtime. I am only 21 years old, and I am choosing to share this out. Because, along the way, I will flip, fall, drop and hit bottom. When I happened to do so, I must go back and reflect back to the individual that I was. I am indeed having my doubts, worrying of my future that comes along the way.

I do not know what is going to happen, but, whatever that comes my way, I shall follow suit. Life is unpredictable, it may seem like you have it all planned, but then again, it never follows as planned. I used to think that I would do this and that, plan it all out and then the flow comes by. I do believe that everyone is destined to their own greatness, owning to their own desire, living up to their own dreams and fulfilling their own needs. In the meantime, in the midst of it, remember to always change your weakness (bad attitude, horrible *****y antic) and perhaps put out a little heart for people. I am not saying that I am the noble person with the biggest heart in the world, my thought is that “celebrate life and make it a better place”. Then again, we will flip somehow, when that happens, don’t frown, but solve it. Maybe I am writing this because a lot has been on my mind, I am losing it so I better express it here. Plus, I am a messy wreck these days. My life, oh my, the messy hostel room and my calendar plans all sorted out here and there.

Anyway, in success, keep praising God (to any religious views in respect, peace) and always be grateful to your parents and close friends. I recently reached out to a friend, and I missed my best friend a lot. Chit and chat, on facebook but never met in long years. I suppose, we kept each other in respect and despite our racial differences, practice of religion and size, he and I still keep in touch. Time flies so fast, everyone grows up going to different paths. While we all live on the same Earth breathing same air and looking for the meaning, we tend to doubt. Doubting and doubting, somehow doubting is never the best option, but always remember that life just keeps getting better. I am writing this for I am worry for the people I love, care and place in my heart.

P/S: TO A FRIEND, I AM SORRY. I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS.

SIGNING OFF,

PHILIP AND HIS OVERTHINKING THOUGHTS.

 

Dear Readers, Always know that you and I are still searching, looking and seeking but remember we have each other through thick and thin in this crazy and quirky living space. Never ever think that nothing is impossible, for there is something possible for you.

MULTIINSECURITIES

MULTIINSECURITIES

Confessions of Your Insecurities

Insecurities. They just happen to exist in us. We do not realize, but somehow they just come to our ives when we break down and feel like the end of the world. Actually, a lot of things have been hyping up in my calendar plan. Sometimes, I wish television station would just cast me in some show about my life and let get paid from all the stress of life. Wouldn’t I make profits? Hmmmm..Definitely, then give back to the people in need.

It has been a hard time in this week. Well, submissions, duties, appointments and meetings. Then, I have flu, sore throat and cough all in one. Now, I can guarantee that I have fever but I am ignoring it. Sad, right. Anyway, I shall “pause” the sad mode for awhile, Recently, in my previous post, I did mention about an emceeing gig for an international sports event in my university. Well, my slot was cancelled due to professional and protocol purposes where the event did not need an English emcee. Although I was cancelled, I was hoping at least that they consider giving me a Malay slot to replace my cancelled slot. Well, this is life. Sometimes, you just have to roll with the punches.

Friends. Are friends really living to friends? Well, sometimes, I am sad and down, I feel like I have no one to turn to for comfort and problems. The ones that I can turn to are not here right now. Oh God, I feel so mentally challenged right now. It feels like I am being in an environment that teaches me that people may be wearing their mask to hide their real self. Well, I show too much of my realism that people said I was annoying. My mind is not right, right now. It is now that I have myself to rely on. Always had been thought.

Bye.

10.09p.m

08/04/2016

“I had to leave, it was a choice. However, I know it will make me better and I will come back stronger.”

The Lost Of A Loved One

For ten years, I live entirely in the memories of you. At times, I tried coping with the reality of your passing. The times that I spent with you was only a short eleven years, but I still remember vividly about it. Losing your loved ones can hurt, but it hurts so much, that it makes you stronger to love better.

Losing my father whom I called Papa was a hard one. I was eleven when I lost my father. I remember the moment he left, the world seem so dark at one point. The hot and sunny day was nothing to me anymore, looking at beautiful stars were giving me nothing but anger. At one point, everyone in my family would face their breaking point. I remember seeing my mother crying the most during that time, I cannot imagine the tears and struggles she went through. I was never comfortable sharing about my father's passing. Everytime when someone asked me about the presence of my late father, I would just give out replies like, "He is a retiree." "He is doing fine." and "He is at home." Such simple answers that I give but so much pain to harbor. Entering my teen years with his absence was sometimes a challenge, from my side and my mother's side, I was embarrassed of society's opinion.

Would people look down on a single mother?

Am I consider an orphan?

Will people accept me as someone who is fatherless?

Sometimes, I deal with his loss and keep it to myself. I know I was not alone, many teenagers face these issues. Teens and little children who lose a parent understand. My mother was not alone, I was not alone. We were not alone. It took a lot of courage and strength to smile, be happy and be bubbly.  Alas, I know I was facing this loss to my own price of pain. There are people who grew up without both parents and maybe were given up by their family to adoption. I consider myself lucky and thankful to have strong support system from my mother's family, Oprah Winfrey, a little bit of Simon Cowell, 8TV Quickie and a strong support of friends whom I can count by finger. Those pains, heartache and sadness were gone, but the stains are still left. Although I cope with his loss, a little part of him still stays within my memory and heart.

P/S : Cherish your parents and family.
         Learn to appreciate the surrounding of your life.
         Make an effort to smile even when things are hard, you will be better.
         Look into the mirror and reflect the wonders of life.
         Give yourself love, give everyone love and lessen hatred.

It is a challenge but fear not, it is a life cycle of amazing journey.

"When everything seems hard in life, bear in mind that everything is a chapter of life."

-PHILIP YEOH BOON LENG, [28th February 2016, 5.35pm, Sunday]