EIGHT MONTHS PAST 2020

I have been trying to keep myself well, both in my mental health and emotional care. Over the last eight months, time has been the biggest enemy. It was starting well in the first three months, and things began to dwindle down in the many unexpected turns. I woke up, wondering to myself, why did this happen in such a blink of an eye? It was so unrealistic for myself to experience this when life is moving and giving us so much push. Well, I’m not sure where life takes us from here, but I want to have my freedom one day.

It feels bad that we are being trapped in such tough times, a pandemic. A word we rarely use on a daily basis. I am glad I am experiencing partially the “normal routine” as per abiding the SOP, trying to understand this concept of “new normal” while I ask myself, “When will this end?” Of course, nobody has the answers. The only way now is to have that seed of hope, believing in the possible. Of course, there have been words that we will have to bear with this for years and some saying it might live with us and never disappear. I personally, am also on a neutral stand point in my life. Trying to navigate what lies ahead in this testing of time, while wondering if this will be over anytime soon, perhaps. This year, I learn one thing, to be grateful, contented and allow myself to make mistakes so that I can learn better. This is parts and parcels of growing up, right? Discovering life journey, working on yourself, asking yourself, “this too shall pass”, while making progress in your niche. I realise this year, I want one thing and that is to be an ongoing story, one that is a work in progress, who strives to be a better version from the past. I am not a perfect ending, nor am I a complete package, truth is, I still am trying to discover who I really am, and where it unfolds from here. Who knew, turning older, growing an age wiser year after year really builds up experience from a deeper perspective, well, I believe, whatever happens after this, God only knows and I will go where the wind blows.

 

9.20 am,

5th August 2020, Wednesday,

A workstation, where productivity is my better half.

 

Starting New, Half A Year Done, Another Half To Dust

I always wonder how did time passed by so quick in one glance. It felt like just yesterday when I left home six years ago to pursue one-year matriculation program in Labuan. It all led to this moment, today. Coming back to the comfort of my hometown, sleeping in my old bedroom, adapting back to the lifestyle in my hometown and coming back to the bird nest I belong. It felt at first, surreal, looking at time. It is true what they say, adulating is an interesting journey of life. There were times that I felt like giving up, crushing down. There were times that things were going well, heading the way I wanted it to be. Of course, it was no bed of roses. It was filled with experience and knowledge. Sometimes, I question a lot of things to God, knowing that the answers will come to me one day, through many hints, life lessons, people that I have met along the way and the emotions I have given myself invested in.

I also started realising life is coming by so quick. I mean, look at this year, it is 2019, and little did I know, six months have come by, half the year is done and another half will be dusted off for 2020. What is next for me? What will I have next in store to venture around? I have been wondering, wandering like an explorer, being all around the place. To be honest, the last five years that took place in my life was not easy. Some of the first few adventures were my first. My “first” in exploring the world from my own lens. The “first” to finally no longer stand in anyone’s shadow, be my own Man, be my own Person be my Own Main Event. No longer do I stay in the minds of people thinking what they need but stay in the minds of what can we do to empower, change and bring forth a new sensible generation. I had the opportunity to be in volunteerism for several missions, but what should I do next for my own hometown? I had the chance to lead a language camp, but what can we do to build a new group of people? I am still thinking, what should be done to be better? I feel like time has come for me as well, to open my treasure box and replan what’s next for me? I am still on a journey in this chapter and I am still unsure what is next? Looking at life like a picture, shades of painting will reveal how it will turn out. Just like that, let’s unravel what’s ahead of us in time.

The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams. (Oprah Winfrey)

12.07am

2nd June 2019, Train of Thoughts.

THE STRUGGLE YOU FACE TODAY WILL BE WORTH YOUR TOMORROW

Struggling all the time, everyday. It has been a mix of good and bad throughout my time in Tanjung Malim. Setbacks, sadness, pain and downspiral were part of it. There was a time I felt like I nearly hit a brink in my life. Wanted to take myself out of this zone and leave it. It did come to my mind. Other times, I told myself that I need to stay strong and make it through the day. Regardless how horrendous the pain is, the amount of backlash, I have to. Throughout my journey living away from home, I learn that the most of it definitely comes from you yourself. Only though yourself, you can determine what you are as a person. There was a time in my life I felt low in this campus. Everything that I once believe in went shattered like pieces of glass. Alas, it was a testing of time in me. If you ask me, “Do I want to revert back in time?” No. Not for now. I have clearly set my mind at that pace. Because my mind told me no longer to be on the care of others. The last time I did, I ate myself out of it. Phobia and fear. Nevertheless, things happened for a reason. Maybe it is all part of God’s plans.

          Every now and then, when I look back some moments in life. I will be super grateful for being part of it. Other times, I praise God for letting be part of this incredible journey of life. It is coming to an end soon. Somehow, all this journey that I endure will be memories. If I look back at it now, I hope I can be in blissfulness realising how I was granted some of the best times of my life. As of now, slowly but surely, this chapter shall close soon. For something either better, for something unexpected.

Not many people will understand each other, because most of the time we care for ourselves, including myself. 

1.18P.M.

SUNDAY

LIBRARY, 1st Floor.

LOOKING FOR LIGHTS!

DREAMS

DREAMS

Sometimes, we dream in our sleep,

Nightmares, sweet dreams, cliff hangers and deep nap,

I had this crazy dream,

That seems impossible for me.

Well, I believe as long as you dream,

As long as you live,

All these dreams will somehow be your dreams,

Chase it, live it and go run for it.

Making chances, taking places,

Chasing opportunities, to what encourages you,

I believe that we are all dreamers,

With personal goals and wishes.

But, if one day all my dreams do not come true,

I do not want to end up being sad about it,

In fact, I want to look back at it and say,

"At least I tried and there no regrets."

Here is to all the dreamers,

Who never felt worthy of themselves,

Trust me, you are indeed,

You just do not realise.

Dreams can be real, if you go out and chase it. 

7.59p.m.

18^th April 2018

The Places of Knowledge

~SUGARRUSH~

MOVING FORWARD

In this moment,

I am not in a good mood,

A mix of many emotions,

Filled with so many expressions

If only I could find out myself,

When I knew the answer actually,

I do not want to deny the truth,

But maybe honesty is the best policy.

Well, we cannot do much about it,

Because hurt and pain are many things,

We go through in life,

Cannot be taken back nor thrown away.

Wherever life brings me forward,

I will take it as open as I can,

To let go and slowly move away,

From what that happened to me actually.

I cannot say much about it,

But that is how I am at this moment,

Letting go and never looking back,

Because I think I have been happier than before.           

As of now, I shall open a new page,

Letting go of what it was,

Acknowledging what it is,

Hoping for better tomorrows.

~TO BETTER DAYS AHEAD~

8.13 p.m.

16th APRIL 2018

~LETTING GO SLOWLY BUT SURELY~

SUGARRUSH

IT IS NEVER EASY BEING A HUMAN

IT IS NEVER EASY BEING A HUMAN

It is never easy being a human,

A life filled with so many ups and downs,

A tale that makes everything so compelling,

Where only you know the whole arrangement of it.

It is never easy being a human,

Sometimes, you wish things were never so tough,

Other times, you just want to give up and let go,

While, most of the times, you lost touch with yourself,

However, often times, do not give up.

It is never easy being a human,

To strive in life in spite of the odds,

To smile and walk through the odd and even days,

To learn to let go and never look back.

It is never easy being a human,

When others treat you badly yet wrongly,

While you just slowly be strong in all these times,

Letting them win for the better.

It is never easy being a human,

When your heart is sometimes fragile,

Once poked and left out with holes,

Once hurt and never to heal.

It is never easy being a human,

To accept the truth of a situation,

To digest the reality that it has happened,

Moving on with better things in life.

It is never easy being a human,

You try to be nice to everyone,

Only to be taken over one way or another,

Letting them deserve those goodness.

It is never easy being a human,

But what is done is never reversible,

What is hurt is never healed,

What is wrong is never will be corrected.

It is never easy being a human,

You want to forgive and to forget,

Easy said than done when you try,

Only to eventually get yourself time and space.

It is never easy being a human,

From time to time things will slowly go its way,

When you slowly reflect and push through,

Because you are a warrior in your book.

It is never easy being a human,

Life is the way it is,

You can never blame the outcomes that happened,

Once it happened, learn from it.

It is never easy being a human,

It is never your fault anyways,

When time comes,

Perhaps, one day you will do well.

It is never easy being a human,

Because in life you will always do what is best for you,

God is your priority of all priorities,

And the people who mean the world to you.

Hence, live and love your life.

10.20p.m.

27 February 2018

Bing

Different people are making each other not any different from one another. What all these different people have in common is that these different people are all flaws and flairs of their own. We are people with different destiny, different goals and different visions. Sometimes, i am fearing of overthinking so much because i do not want to end up contradicting my thoughts. In my mind, what is happening to everything around? Will we all eventually make it through the day. I know for some point in my life, i will have more fears and doubts. The life of being an adult. The path towards adulthood and the road to being more and more older. I do too, feel the same as anyone who feels it. Nowadays, I realise not all the time that "money can buy" really matters. If you have a dream, you can always make it come true. This is life, the real world. The bittersweet reality that one shall endure. A phase we never expect.