FILLING THE LACK IN THE BOTTLE

Dear Journal, 

I felt a little better than the previous days. I was listening to Different Summer by Demi Lovato.

I know that sometimes life can be so crazy, unexpected and memorable. I encountered it today.

I celebrated a good friend's birthday and I realised how much laughter there is in each of them.

My ideology is that sometimes a smile can light up the mood and I was lacking that. Thank you friends and I will not reveal who you are. I laughed, smiled and kept calm. Truth is, everyone has a mask and everyone has their true side. I have been reflecting myself, if I am capable of doing what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes, if a bunch of friends are not really treating you well, you are the problem but if one or two that means it's just a miscommunication.

I am really feeling the challenge in life. My heart speaks and said, "Why chose to be depressed?", pray and seek for answers. I was spending lesser time with God and focusing on being a part of this riot. I realised I need to stay grounded, pray and surrender to Him. If things do not go your way, it is because He has better plans for you. It is what we call the hidden callings. This is just my opinion. I am not the most pious person nor do I have a perfect attitude. I mess up big time, did lots of wrong doings in the past. Maybe it is a chapter of life it depends on how we rule life on Earth. 

USELESS

I honestly feel useless. Like seriously, I feel like I just want to pack up my luggage, go back to Kuching for a short vacation and kill my time. I miss my life in Kuching where people gets me. People like me and different than me. I am very used to have me twirled, twisted and pushed. Now, I am trying to reinvent myself. Things are bound to happen, but this is the reason why I remember being friendless because I feel more better. I remember at a time when I was completing matrix, I felt isolated and lonely. The fact that I become so preoccupied with work and task. Oh God, my heart is about to break into pieces and tranform into many slides of Philip. My oh my, congratulation Phil. You know what, you really screw it. At the end of the day, I shall put the blame and responsibility on my shoulders.
I am starting to wish that I can run away and never return. Because deep down inside, it is world where things are seem true yet hidden.

The Bottle That Stores The Emotion

I am feeling really tired, drained and at times, sad. I do not really get along or get myself attach to this emotion. Comparing myself to others, I have a shelter I call home, a desk for me to study and water from the pipe for me to drink and shower. I am really getting to a point that annoying situations lead to disturbing emotions. Yes, I do not know why not since then, I have stop complaining and stay silent. When I stay silent, people starts perceiving me and having impression which attracts negativity. I know I am a human and I need space. Today, something happened. I do not like to keep my emotions to myself, but then I am trying to keep my emotions away and stress from it. Why?? Must I encounter people that seems hard me to comprehend. I am no good person. Honestly, there are days I will express to a friend about how I feel about the and ridicule them. But at times, my heart truly cares for them. I am just like that, relevant and trying to stand the test of time. It is okay if personalties clash, because the thing that matters most is to realise how bless you are.

Trying to wonder my journey of life,
Like I am working from nine to five,
My tears drop down like flushes of seas,
But I am letting myself go the feast,

Give me the strength I need to move on,
As I remember this friendship bond,
Eyes are opened like shining stones,
Feeling it in every pinch of my bones.

I know I am a normal human,
Everyone feels the same hurdle,
Doors open and lights unbroken,
Signifying a new hope of riddle.

~PHIL~